Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Thanks I needed that………….Israel is back on…..

Does anyone remember the old Skin Bracer commercial where a slap across the face was what was needed to bring someone back to reality??? I just got slapped. Thank you Laura!! I truly love you!

I have had someone pull me back from the brink and help me realize that ironically I needed exactly what I said in the blog a couple days ago. Someone to just help me process this all and that alone got me past the meltdown. I needed someone other than me to be the practical, logical person for 5 minutes so I could get back on track. What did it take. Laura saying, I have a blender, I’ll bring it to the hotel! That was all it took. I just needed someone to give me something tangible to turn my logical mind back on and to make me feel I could conquer this and be able to formulate a plan.

I was so overwhelmed by the big picture that I was missing the small details. I am realizing more and more lately that that is what I need more of in my life, both professionally and personally. People who can just help me find solutions when I am over my head. It doesn’t take a lot for me to get back on track. But to now I have had too many people who want to make me feel better or tell me to feel better about it (which is super important too, and I value those people greatly) but not enough of those strategic people who can help me find the plan when I am missing the easy solutions.

Thank you to all my wonderful, supportive caring friends who have been there for me the last couple days. I am truly blessed to have all of you!

Unsure footing....

First, foremost and always I need to thank those of you who sent me amazing notes and comments yesterday. I so appreciate the support, understanding and great suggestions more than you can ever understand. I wish I could say that yesterday ended up where it should have, but I can't. Food was a major problem all day, and this morning I am still struggling.

The big question on my mind, and in many of the comments/notes I received is about my Israel trip. I am deeply divided what to do at this point. The idea of 12 days in a hotel with no fridge, no blender and no real access to a grocery store is not a test I am sure I am ready to conquer yet.

I fear going, getting there and being miserable and wasting a lot of money on a trip I don't enjoy. But at the same time I so love Israel and my trips there and have looked forward to this for so long and only have one 40th birthday, which was the point of the trip. I feel like either direction I will end up regretting. I am currently leaning towards postponing the trip til the fall when I am in a better place, but still have a couple people I want to talk to before I make that decision.

I have to admit, this week is one of the first times I have really started wondering if doing all this with my weight is really worth it. Don't get me wrong I love how I feel physically and I know in that direction it is definitely the right thing. But at the same time, I feel like it is impacting my life in ways I am not sure are good. It has made travel which I so loved before so hard and complicated that I dread it. That is a pretty high cost when my career is based on travel. This was one of my great fears coming into this, could it realistically work with my travel. In the last 3 months I have been home much more than I normally would be, and wonder now if in doing that I was kidding myself that I could succeed at this because it wasn't my normal environment.

Anyway, off to another day of work. Tonight is another set of flights and off to the next city.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Clarification on "walls closing in"

From the comments/emails I have received today, thank you for the support btw, it was obvious that I was not clear enough this morning with my emotions to get my point across. This is not about the 2 pounds I gained. This is about food. This is about not feeling I am in a place to get what I need in the way I need. Yes weight is the downstream result of that, but it is a loss of control over my food situation that is the root of how I feel right now.

Walls closing in...

I have never actually had a full on panic attack before, but I think that is what I am having this morning. I am shaking like a leaf, I can’t catch my breath, I am crying and I just want to run, but not sure what I want to run to, but it doesn’t matter, I am stuck in Bismarck and I have 20 minutes to get my crap together and meet my boss and head off to a client. That should be fun in this state of mind.

I am totally melting down this morning over food and travel. Today is the first day in the 3 weeks since Gui helped me get things back in line with my eating and exercise that I feel totally out of control with things and I am not handling it well. I don’t feel like I can handle this on the road and with Passover happening at the same time and I just want to go home.

I used to love to travel, but I have to admit I am truly starting to hate it. It makes my life so complicated and undoes all the good I accomplish otherwise and it just doesn’t seem worth it. But I don’t have a lot of choice without changing careers.

This mood probably started yesterday but I didn’t see it. When I finally got on the scale after I got back I was up 2 pounds. I tried to be ok with that, and I even kidded myself I was. I told myself it was fluid from flying or more salt than I am used to and it would be fine. But when I look at it all in the light of day again I know I am in trouble again. It started Sunday when I left the safety of Donna’s house and was back in a hotel. I skipped dinner because there was nothing decent around, yesterday I was probably short 600 calories and the rest of this week is going to be a pure nightmare with food and getting what I need. I brought almond milk, but have no blender to really do more than the protein powder with. The breakfast downstairs is all food I can’t eat due to it being Passover and I know it is going to get worse with a client provided lunch and on and on.

Add to it that my workout with Gui yesterday I only did mediocre, and for the first time in weeks I am not sore after a workout with him. I looked at the exercise options here when I arrived last night at midnight (should have been a clue to me I was starting to obsess but I missed that sign) and it is minimal and crappy.

I know I am in real trouble when I realized what I was considering…I can’t believe I am saying this, as much as I love Israel and want to see my friends there, I am seriously this morning contemplating canceling my vacation, because that trip is going to be even harder. I know I wont even have a hotel fridge there, the almond milk I rely on daily wont be accessible, getting enough protein is going to be a problem. I just don’t know if it is worth it. I feel horrible saying that, but I just don’t think I can handle going and gaining a lot of weight. Particularly since Gui will be leaving for vacation when I come back.

I have to admit that I am feeling some pressure from that front too. And I know this part is all in my head and my own stupid filters. But there is a big part of me that is worried if I come back from all this traveling and have totally blown it and gained a lot of the weight back he is going to decide I am a waste because I haven’t held it together and decide I am not worth working on. I know that sounds irrational, and I don’t feel comfortable explaining on here what triggered that, lets just say it was a conversation we had yesterday that scared me.

I better end here, I am bawling and I need to go put on the “happy client face”. Gonna be a really long week!!

Monday, March 29, 2010

How's that working for you......

"Pooh?" said Piglet
"Yes, Piglet?" said Pooh
"Oh nothing, just making sure you're there." said Piglet"

I think I have learned more in the last six days than I have in the last 40 years. From my meeting last Wednesday with the Executive Coach to the weekend home with friends, I feel like I have more insight into who I am and what makes me tick than I have at any point before in my life. For as much fun as we had, I have to say the conversations I had with Donna, April, Trish, Mrs B. and Momma Koch are really what I will treasure from this weekend. I get myself now and that is huge for me.

Life growing up was hard, for all three of us (Donna, April and myself). We had to grow up really fast and we had to face situations that as children we never should have had to. A lot of what we talked about this weekend was those challenges we overcame with our parents and families and how they made us who we are. I know for me I have tried for 25 years to hide those scars and realize now that just like I have done in the last 4 months with the scars on my body from the past, I need to learn to accept and embrace the scars of my childhood, that a lot of the stress I feel is from fighting them so hard instead of just working with them and from trying to overcompensate for my flaws and even some of my good qualities.

One of the areas I have always struggled with is my intelligence. I have always felt that I had to hide that I was smart and felt that admitting I am an intelligent person was being conceited. So it was a little unnerving when I met with the exec coach last week and he pointed out multiple times how smart I was. I felt like I should be apologizing for it. The irony only continued when one of the first comments Trisha made after she arrived was how I was one of the smartest people she had ever known. Again I felt like I should apologize for that. Especially since the context she mentioned it in was how it had made her feeling inferior.

I have no doubt where my shame at being smart comes from, we talked about it a bunch of times this weekend, it comes from my relationship with my mom. Who yes, as much as I have never said it before (but my friends did this weekend) I am much smarter than. My intelligence definitely came from my dad, for all his flaws (some of which I now get also) he was definitely above average when it came to his intellect. My mother told me many times growing up that my desire to be more and accomplish more made me a snob and I let her convince me that my greatest asset was something to be ashamed of. This is the first thing I am letting go of! I was very blessed to be given the mind I was and I am ready to admit that and be proud of it. I am more intelligent than most of the people I know!!!!! I can’t help it, I don’t want to change it, and I am very grateful for it!

But I also realizing that as great as smart can be in life, it is a double edged sword that I have been fighting my entire life. When you are able to figure things out on your own, the world expects you to and too often it means I end up over my head without the support I need – both professionally and personally. Yes when left to my own I will usually struggle through until I find the answer and figure it out, but I am ready to admit I shouldn’t always have to and a lot of times it frustrates me that I have to. I don’t want to have to always be right and have all the answers. I want to be able to be as flawed and human as the rest of the world and I want it to be ok to expect others to find the answer for me sometimes.

When I was talking to the coach last week, he found it interesting that as an ISTJ (Meyers-briggs personality test where there I is for introvert) I was so motivated by the team I am leading at work and why I didn’t like having my own solo practice. I didn’t have his answer then, but I do now. While yes, I am an introvert, in that I am much happier with 4 close friends than in a room of 40 people. What I love about working with my team at work is they don’t expect me to have all the answers and they are willing to carry the load WITH me (and when I am overwhelmed, FOR me). They are probably the first and only group of people in my life with who I have felt safe not being perfect around, and for me that is more precious than gold.

I also saw through Donna this weekend (thank you, you have no idea how much sharing what you said to your boss helped me) that I have brought from my childhood the reaction pattern I learned for coping with this over inflated expectation that “Pam can do it all and handle it all because she is so smart”. That the way I would finally get my parents to hear me, by exploding or there being major drama, is what I have been doing in my adult life also. That the explosions (often by email these days) are the only way I have known to get people to hear me and to put aside the “smart Pam who can figure it all out on her own”. That the screaming for help inside me over something I feel overwhelmed by eventually ends up erupting as my only mode of asking for help and to be heard. I see it playing out at work, I see it playing out with Gui, I see it playing out in many relationships I have destroyed (particularly one very dear one that I devastated in the late 90’s and regret to this day what happened with).

The great irony in all this, is that as an adult the exploding to be heard/helped probably gets me just the opposite to the help I need. It ends up pushing away the exact people who I am trying to tell I am over my head and need their guidance, help and support, that I need them to carry a bigger portion of the load. They perceive it as an anger issue, or rudeness or whatever. Yet for as badly as it hurts me at times, it is still the only mechanism I have come up with before people even seem to recognize I am at my limits.

It is interesting to me that I also don’t usually have the explosions with my team at work, and I see now it is because they just aren’t necessary to be heard and supported in that environment when I am at my limits. They just seem to know when I need them to step in and step up without being asked, and they have never once made me feel bad for needing that.

I think the most frustrating part of coming out of this weekend, is I am seeing so much of who I am, but I am not sure yet how to change a lot of it. Obviously with this one, the eruptions and meltdowns I get how to change, just don’t explode, but what I don’t get is how not to get into that mess in the first place. I haven’t figured out yet how to not set the expectation of the people around me that I can do it all, and figure it all out and handle it all and that sometimes I need to ask the same question a bunch of times before I get the answer (this last one I really need to work with Gui on as I saw it play out last week when I wasn’t understanding something he felt I should get and was getting very frustrated with me asking it multiple times).

I want people to see me as competent, reliable and capable, because most things in my life I can do it all on, I do have the answer, I do get it super fast and I don’t need hand holding. But I need to figure out how to not have that end up at the extreme over inflated expectation it always seems to become. That part I am still really struggling with. I don’t get how to let people see that I am just as human as they are and not superwoman from day one, not just when I meltdown.

"We aren't crazy, but we certainly aren't normal......"

"These are my people, This is where I come from
We're givin' this life everything we've got and then some
It ain't always pretty, But it's real
That's the way we were made, Wouldn't have it any other way"
These are my people

We fall down and we get up, We walk proud and we talk tough
We got heart and we got nerve, Even if we are a bit disturbed
These are my people!"

Wow! There isn’t a much better way to describe this weekend. It is hard to believe so much happened in 4 days. It is definitely going to take me longer to process it all than it took to happen.

First, the thank you’s. Donna, Phil and Noah….thank you for “the best bed and breakfast ever”. You have a beautiful family and being with you guys was amazing. Thanks for making sure I had the right food and just felt so comfortable. April and Jon, thank you for your hospitality and friendship (hope we didn’t scar your children too bad *smile*). Momma Koch…thank you for making me realize that just by existing I can make someone so happy. Mrs B…thank you for lunch, but also thank you for your candor about how you feel about not knowing a lot of what we were all going through. As a child it was always hard to understand why the adults around us weren’t stepping in to protect us, and knowing you genuinely didn’t know (both as a teacher and a parent of my classmate) made me see most people probably didn’t know and put that to rest. Shane thank you for the beautiful souvenier. Now the important one…Donna, April, Trish…the three of you are my oldest and dearest friends. You know all my warts, you know all my secrets and after 20 years it felt like we had only been apart 5 minutes. I love the three of you from the bottom of my heart (and if you ever disappear from my life again I will hunt you down and kill you *grin*) Thank you for loving me for who I am and for making me realize how amazing it is that we all turned out as great as we did. Also thank you for making this weekend so incredibly easy for me food and exercise wise! To my new friends…thanks for the laughs, and thanks for letting me be me. Oh yeah and to the cop who pulled us over for no good reason…Bite me…PLEASE! *grin*

There will be a bunch of posts about this weekend, but I figured I should start with the one that is related to the topic of the blog, food and exercise. This weekend went so much better than I had expected. Donna and April went out of their way to make sure I everything I was used to at home easily at hand and felt as comfortable in their homes as I did in mine. The party Saturday was a little more of a challenge for me. There were a lot of great desserts and food I would have loved to have had, but I am proud to say my biggest indulgence was one chocolate covered strawberry. Otherwise I did well sticking to high protein healthy foods (including the amazing buffalo meat chili Donna made for me).

I can’t say the weekend was a “piece of cake” on eating. I still had to force myself to stop and eat. More than once I realized I was skipping eating again. But in the end I would say I had one day where I ate a little too much, I had one day where I ate a bit too little, but overall it went really well.

On exercise, probably didn’t do as much as I should have. I had 2 days where I did nothing (vs the one I was supposed to have) but I did get to swim Saturday (I had an awesome little swim buddy) and we walked a bit on Sunday (probably didn’t do enough that day either) but I would say it was all ok. We’ll see when I get on the scale this afternoon *gulp*.

I have to say the best part of all of this related to my weight though, was the conversations I was overhearing other people have about my weight and this journey I am on. It was shocking to me how proud my friends were to tell other people (who didn’t even know me before this weekend) what I have accomplished weight wise and with working with the trainer. It made me feel incredibly loved and supported to have them that proud of me.

Oh and I did get a couple good laughs as they described my trainer and talked about him. There were two reactions on this topic. The first, the man should be given the Nobel prize for being the first person who has ever gotten me to follow directions, and they wanted his secret. The second, was about him being “not bad looking”. This seemed to be in the story every time they mentioned I was working with a trainer. Gui, I believe there is a group workout coming up when they all come to visit me, you have a fan club now!

I would say there are two areas I didn’t do as well as I should have on. The first is sleep, it was a bit like a 3 days slumber party, sitting up til 3am giggling and staying out way to late at a bar. Walmart is still creepy at 1am *grin*. The second is with not having the trainer around. I was as uncomfortable as I thought I would be with going that long without a formal workout session, it was only one session missed, but I just didn’t physically feel as well as I do when I have had a session with the trainer.

This is a work travel week (Bismark and San Antonio) and it is definitely going to be more of a challenge travel wise than this trip was, but after this weekend I feel ready to take on most anything…so off I go.

I make me laugh...

Am back at the Albany Airport where it all began. Really sad to be heading home, the weekend went way too fast.

As I was buying my post-security water (the world is safe from my Dasani *smile*) it hit me I should get a souvenier, something to remember the weekend by. I spent about 10 minutes looking through trinkets and tshirts and my leg was starting to really bother me standing there.

Did you catch that? I didn't til I was almost to the checkout with a tshirt.....and then I started laughing hysterically (think I scared the nice cashier). A souvenier, really????? Yeah, think the tattoo took care of that!!!!!

I didn't buy the tshirt!

Sunday, March 28, 2010

The evidence...

Pictures from the trip and the weekend are now posted...

We Make 40 Look Good Photo Site

Does this make my leg look fat....

I remember my mom and her friends turning 40 and being so miserable about it. I don't get it. I spent last night collectively celebrating turning forty with 30 amazing women and I have to say....we make 40 look good!!!!!!!

A big part of why I came back to the Hudson Valley was for this birthday party. This is the year myself and the people I grew up with turn the big 4-0. The friends I particularly wanted to see have birthdays very close to mine, so celebrating together seemed the perfect idea.

Getting ready for the party was admittedly as much fun as the party itself. It has been a long time since I could look around my bedroom and watching my friends playing dress up and doing their hair and make up. The most amazing part of this weekend has been how short 20 years seems. We have said over and over how it feels like we were apart 5 minutes not two decades.

It was an awesome party. Lots of great healthy food, a ton of a laughter and absolutely no stress. As part of the fun the hosts had brought in a manicurist and a tatoo artist/body piercer. The latter graduated with my brother and was an absolute hoot.

I should point out for those that didn't know me growing up. I was such a good girl. I drank more than I should have and skipped school to hang out with friends, but never smoked, never tried drugs, had only 1 boyfriend in HS and worried more about grades than fun. So it is rather ironic that at almost 40 I lost my mind and gave in to a tatto *insert shock here*. For the record, I was totally sober, I was the designated driver for the night and drank nothing more than water the entire night.

I am still not totally sure why I did it, I know it has to do with all the changes I am making in my life. I know it has to do with wanting to show myself and the world I am someone different than who I was growing up. This morning I realize that may have been a bit of a radical approach but I have to admit I love the design we did.

As you can see, the tat is a heart surrounded by a star of davide. I can't think of no two symbols that better spoke to who I have become as an adult!!!!!

PS I was NOT the only one, Trish and Donna got tats also. Yes that sounds like a 12 like olds excuse, but the reality is I think one of the coolest parts of having done this is that we will always have this bond.

PSS OMG doesn't my leg look so thin in that picture...that is as cool as the tat!!!!!!!!

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Anyone got a spare crystal ball....

For as amazing as this trip is, I feel like I would be less than honest if I didn't comment on where my mind is when it comes to food, my weight and all of that.

First I have to say my friends have gone out of their way to make sure my every need was considered with food, they have made it so easy for me (thanks April and Donna). Not only are they amazing cooks, but the food has all fit exactly in line with what I should be eating. And while Thursday I didn't as much as I should have, Friday went much better. It was complicated meals to journal, so I am not exactly sure where I hit on calories for the day, but I know what I ate was healthy and I think I was on target. And I am even learning some new tricks and tips along the way, tonight I learned about higher protein pasta.

Related to exercise, I haven't formally worked out in two days now, Thursday was too chaotic with work and travel and Friday was my regular day off, but we are planning to swim in the morning and I am really looking forward to it. I feel like I am slacking off even though I did quite a bit of walking Thursday in transit.

My sleep has been rather limited, time is too short to sleep it away, I can do that when I get home. I know that is the wrong approach, but its where I am at. I would rather sit and laugh and share stories with my dear friends than sleep.

With all that said, I know I shouldn't be stressed in the least, but I am. Once I finally made it to bed, I was laying there tossing and turning and feeling this terrible anxiety building in the back of my mind. And yes, I know without a doubt it is all in my head. But the anxiety is coming from not being able to get on a scale I trust and know if I am really doing ok or not.

That sounds so ridiculous to say, but it's where I am at. Even though I have no logical reason to feel I have gained weight, I desperately want that check point to let me know that I am ok, that this is going as well as I think it is. I want to know that I am not going to go home in a couple days and be a step backwards. I just dont trust my judgments of how I feel to tell me if I am on course, I have been wrong too many times.

No strings attached....

"Alright Ed, your best day, what was it? Twins in a trapeze, what?" City Slickers

One of my favorite movies of all times is City Slickers. It is as sarcastic and unconventional as I am. I have always remembered the scene where they are riding along and discussing the best day of their life. The day that stands out above all others. Not a day like your wedding or the birth of your children which is meant to stand out, but an everyday day that lasted a lifetime. They answered the question easily, I never could.

The question of what was my best day was always one I struggled with. Don't get me wrong, I have had a good life, and there have been lots of good moments, but I can't say that before today there had been a great day. A day that stood the test of time for its pure joy and feeling of contentment. 

But without a doubt I can say, yesterday (Friday) was my best day!

It is the first day in my life that I can remember from start to finish not once questioning who I was, what the people around me were thinking about me or if I fit. This was a day of total love and acceptance and joy. From the tears of joy as a surrogate mother to me growing up opened the door and realized who she was seeing, to lunch with a teacher I havent seen since 7th grade who proudly introduced me to everyone we met, to the laughing so hard we were nearly crying at 2am with a friend I haven't seen since we graduated, this was a day I didn't want to see end, for fear I would never feel this way again.

Whether I am loved, whether I am cared about, what people are really thinking about me is such a struggle for me. I always wonder if the people I interact with on a daily basis really want me in their lives or are merely putting up with me and waiting for me to be gone. I try so hard to read minds and know if I am wanted or not. I always have. But today I knew that answer from start to finish. This was a day of pure unconditional love!

This genuinely was my best day!

Friday, March 26, 2010

Being around those who accept me more than I accept myself...

Writing late Thursday night for posting Friday....

Why exactly did I stress myself out so badly about coming back here? It seems so foolish now. I had an amazing night tonight catching up with two dear friends, and the reality was, it didn't matter what I weighed. I could have weighed 50 lbs or 500 and I think tonight would have been equally as precious to me.

There are very few people on the planet who you can be away from for 20 years (19 of those without a single word of communication), and in 5 minutes feel like you never left. That despite marriages, children, careers, and half a continent between you, you could instantly slip into the most intimate of topics and conversations with as if barely a day had passed while you were apart. But tonight I had just that.

I can't say throughout the evening the physical changes in my life didn't cross my mind, or enter our conversation. As we bounced from topic to topic it came up more than once, but the more I talked about my life, about where we came from, where we are now and everything in between the prouder I became of who I am and more importantly who I am becoming. All three of us have become amazing people against some really tough odds and tonight was an acknowledgment of that. All three of us have a hundred reasons we could have given up or failed or become less than we are, and the world would have called it justified. But all three of us have overcome and become really amazing people! And I felt honored to be with them tonight.

It's funny, if you asked them what was the happiest moment for me, they would never guess it in a million years, because it would seem so insignificant to anyone who hasn't walked in my leg. But the best moment of the evening was when April wanted to show me her home, which is multiple stories, and for the first time in 14 years I didn't have to pass up the chance, or worry if I would be able to navigate the stairs. I got to just be in the minute and enjoy the beauty of her home and not my own limitation. That is HUGE for me. Walking up and down those stairs with out having any one watching to make sure I was ok or having to help me was for me as liberating as reaching the top of Mt. Everest.

I still know I am in for challenges this weekend with food, I came up a little short today on eating enough. April and Donna have gone above and beyond making sure there are tons of healthy food around and if I struggle it is no ones fault but my own. I am not avoiding eating for any reason that just not being careful enough about it. I skipped dinner today when I shouldn't have. It wasnt out of fear of the food, it just is so not a priority to me to take time out to eat, and I need to work on that this weekend.

That and sleep. I am way off my bed time the last two nights. I need to get that back in check. But right now I am too happy to sleep! I am on the East Coast where it's cool to be who you are and with people who love me no matter who that is!

Wow, maybe she isn't here after all...

"When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things."

I am again writing early, on Thursday, for posting on Friday

A very smart man asked me a question yesterday. Now first, what makes him smart in this case 1) he asks me the questions even when I believe he already knows the answer and 2) sometimes he lets me get away with giving him a less than full answer, because he knows I will chew on it later and find my full answer.

The question he asked me related to coming back to NY again and my fears of what I would find here, about myself and about others. He asked me "You do know you have changed since you grew up there, right?".

In full honesty, my answer to him was "Yes", but it was just to end the conversation. I knew if I told him that despite all I have accomplished in my life and everwhere I have been in the last 20 years, I still believed inside I was that same person that was so bullied and abused years ago, it would become a frustrating conversation for both of us. So I gave the answer I knew was wanted.

I realized an hour ago that once again he was right and I was wrong. And the part that amazes me is that I didn't have to talk to a single person from my past to realize it. As soon as I saw the terminal at the Albany Airport I knew I wasn't the person who left here two decades ago.

The last time I was at the Albany Airport was as a pre-teen, we were dropping my father off for a flight to somewhere. This was back in the days when Braniff was still an airline and you could keep your shoes on to fly. As a child the airport was huge and so overwhelming. We did very little traveling while I was growing up (my first time on a plane was at age 16) so big planes and airports seemed so amazing to me. And flying in today, that was still what I expected, the airport I remembered from a child's eyes.

I nearly laughed out loud when we broke through the clouds and raced down the runway and I saw the terminal. It is about 1/20th the size of the Minneapolis airport. And about 1/10000th the size I remembered in my mind.

It hit me immediately that everything here that seemed so big and important and that I have let overwhelm me for 20 years is nothing more than a memory filtered through a child's view. That the view of those people who bullied and teased me decades ago no longer matter. That I have let them have a role in my life for years when they really had none. I have let them have the power over me in my adult life that that had growing up, and that that is another illusion.

I am ready to face this weekend and enjoy it, as I no longer feel like I have a mission to accomplish here, I don't need to deal with that little fat girl like I thought I did, because, she isn't here and hasn't been for a long long time. She moved on and I just never realized it.

It is time for me to embrace the amazing, accomplished adult who I am. It is time to stop worrying about trying so hard for acceptance by people who don't matter, it is time to embrace who I am today and what I have to offer the world. I am done trying to please people who don't even know me today!

In addition, I am ready for the Hudson Valley to become a place that I visit because it is where some dear friends from the past still live, to be the place I grew up, but no more.

I feel ready finally to put the past in its correct perspective...."Piece of Cake"!

Time to face the little fat girl inside...

"I know they say you cant go home again.
I just had to come back one last time.
Ma'am I know you don't know me from Adam.
But these handprints on the front steps are mine.
And up those stairs, in that little back bedroom
is where I did my homework and I learned to play guitar.
And I bet you didn't know under that live oak my favorite dog is buried in the yard.

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it,
this brokenness inside me might start healing.
Out here its like I'm someone else,
I thought that maybe I could find myself
if I could just come in I swear I'll leave.
Won't take nothing but a memory
from the house that built me." Miranda Lambert

Going home. After 20 years. To a place I have hid from, from a place that has such mixed feelings for me, and a place I vowed I would never return to. For those that don't know me from my childhood, I grew up in a very small town in Upstate NY. I went to the same school from Kindergarten through graduation, I knew the same people from the day we moved in (1974) til I left to go to college.

It is really hard to decide sometimes if growing up there was a good thing or a bad thing. In some ways it was a perfect place to grow up, very protected from the real world, very safe, a good school, wonderful teachers and some great memories. Yet at the same time it is a part of my life I long ago walled off to avoid the bad. Home was abusive (in every way possible) and I was bullied at school mercilessly.

I am writing this on Wednesday, because I want to capture my feelings, but won’t be posting it til Friday (my visit is a surprise for at least one person, so I am scheduling it to post after I get to their house). Going back to Germantown after 20 years is happening for a bunch of reasons, some to reconnect with old friends I left behind, but more importantly to reconnect myself. I am sure the reconnecting with others will get blog time this weekend and really doesn't scare me as much right now as the reconnecting with myself does.

For 20 years I have tried to believe I left that part of me behind. That it didn’t matter, that the past was the past and had very little to do with today. It is only in the last 4 months I have come to see how much growing up fat, being judged and abused for that and who that made me is still a part of me. And more importantly how it is still controlling me. That the fat little girl inside me is holding me back in many ways, and it was time to confront that part of myself.

So as hard a decision as it was, when the invitation came to go back for a group event, I decided I needed to do this. That in order for me to fully benefit from and internalize the changes I have made in the last year, I need to face that part of myself and come to terms with it. I need to realize, as my trainer pointed out today, that I am not her anymore. That I have changed. That all I have accomplished as an adult is far more powerful than what I hid from as a child, and that it is time to allow myself to be proud of that and not hide behind my past anymore.

To say I am scared of this journey would be an understatement. These are ghosts I thought I was done with. When I open these doors I don 't know what I will find. I don't know what to expect, I don't know if I will be able to leave that part of me behind or just make it worse. But not going wouldn’t solve it either. I need to face this head on.

Part II – I wrote the first part above early on Wed morning. It is now very late Wed night. I belong in bed a couple hours ago, but sleep is coming hard tonight. I get on the plane tomorrow and start facing my past. But ironically as nervous as that makes me, I have to admit I found some comfort today during my workout. I don’t think it was anything that was said particularly but it was just a realization I had. It doesn’t matter how bad in the end facing my past is…it is 4 days of my life, it is not the rest of my life.

As much as I need to let go of seeing myself as that fat child, if that doesn’t work, it isn’t the end of the world, because my life is filled with a lot of wonderful people who don’t even know that person, and who are here for me as I am, and will be just as much on Monday when I get back as they were today before I left.

I hope for my sake I can let the baggage go after this weekend, I know it will make this journey not only easier, but also more fulfilling for me. I want to be happy with each pound that comes off, I want to enjoy the milestones and the accomplishments, I don’t want to filter them through old voices and past pain. But if that doesn’t happen, I think the realization I had today about the acceptance I have in my life now is as important as anything I can find back there.

Motivation and gratitude....

"As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." ---Marianne Williamson (Thanks Andrea)

I saw this quote this morning and it really struck me how little most of us realize our ability to impact others, myself included. I received what I consider an amazing compliment this week. My blog was shared with someone who was/is struggling to keep moving forward with their own weight loss and they were pointed to the blog for motivation. At first that shocked and confused me. I certainly don't feel like I have this figured out anywhere near enough to be held up as a model. I still feel like a baby learning to crawl in all this. But as I processed it I slowly felt humbled and grateful to those who pushed me to start sharing my story. 

I didn't start this blog with any mission, I wasn't looking to become a role model, to motivate others or to do much more than find an outlet for my thoughts and feelings about this part of my life and to have a place to share my accomplishments. However, it has slowly become much more.

I receive the nicest notes daily from people who I didn't even know were reading and are finding pieces of their own struggles in my posts. They are usually writing to thank me or to tell me about the similarities, and I know they are writing for their own benefit, but in the end I hope each of you reading my ramblings know that you are what keeps me going when I am ready to throw in the towel, that you are part of my accountability and my strength and that I am really appreciative that you take the time to keep reading. 

You all motivate me far more than I could ever motivate someone else.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

The 7 became a 6...and what a difference a workout makes...

269!!!!!!!!!! 69 lbs overall, 42 lbs working wtih Gui!!!! Beyond the scale, it was a good workout day, and for that I am really grateful tonight.

It still shocks me when I say these things, but my workout today with Gui totally turned my day around!

I was not in a great place when I left for the gym (no surprise to anyone who had read the previous post). Things going on around me in the last week or so had taken a toll on my self esteem. And I was worried that facing the trainer today, after the great cookie cheat, was going to find my last shred gone. Instead it turned out to be a really great workout for me, and I came away feeling back on track and able to conquer the world again.

I have learned, slowly, that how good or bad a workout has gone is not just about could I do all the exercises he threw at me or how many reps did I complete, but also how much can I get into the workout, and let the outside world disappear. This is a real challenge for me. I have a hard time shutting down my brain. And it works against me a lot when we are working out. I am not there fully, or I can't relax enough to get what I should out of it.

Today however, I was in my head the first 10 or so minutes and then it just clicked - everything else melted away. I was 100% there today, and I feel the difference. I would like to say I can take the credit for that, but I have to admit a lot of it wasn't me. This is one of the places having a trainer is a must for me. The right questions about what is going on, the right intensity of the workout and somehow it all goes away. I know without a doubt today was one of those days that if I had been doing the strength/resistance on my own I would have done about 2 reps and given up.

I have had many friends tell me they would love to work with a trainer but the cost stops them, this is one of those days that I know without a doubt it is worth every penny I spend and every sacrafice I make to afford it!!!

Thanks Gui, you went above and beyond today!!!!! Now put down the darn stick *grin*

Who am I?

"We judge ourselves on intention, we judge others on action"

Ever feel like you are at a place where you don't know who you are or more importantly who you want to be? I am at that place right now. I have spent the last 9-12 months dismantling who I am - on a professional level, on a physical level, on a personal level and attempting to put it all back together in a package that makes more sense, at least to the outside world. And I am starting to feel lost in it all.

I am having a hard time figuring out from my past what is really me and what is really just "window dressing and walls" I have put up to protect myself from the world and to be who the world wanted me to be.

And from my present and future I am having a hard time figuring out where the line comes between being who I am and true to myself, yet at the same time being who the world is willing to accept.

I have always believed that being who you are is what is most important, that to be someone you are not is just playing a game. While many perceive me as thinking I am perfect, that is so far from the truth it is hard to fathom. I know my flaws, I know my weakness, I have long ago admitted to them and accepted them. But I am really struggling right now with whether it is better to be me with flaws but be who I am, or to become someone I am not to hide those flaws. The world wants the latter, and to be successful and loved I am feeling more and more pressure to bend to that, and learn to play the game. But I am not convinced I can be happy being some one I am not.

And even if I decide I want to play the game, who do you listen to when chosing who you become? I have multiple voices in my life trying to improve me. I know that EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM is well intentioned and has what they believe to be my best interest at heart, but some days, I just wish people could accept me for who I am, flaws and all, and not want to change me so much.

I know in the end it is my choice, but as was very intelligently pointed out to me this morning, staying who I am comes at a price and I need to decide if that price is worth it.

That reality frustrates me, I guess I live in a make believe world, but in my mind people shouldn't have to pretend they are someone they aren't to fit in and get ahead and to be liked or loved. There should be a place for everyone as they are.

Don't get me wrong, I am not opposed to change, I truly embrace it. I am estatic about the changes in my body I am making and have made. But that change was one I chose for myself, because I wanted to lose the weight. That is why it worked this time. Unlike other times when I tried it to make other people happy. The changes I am struggling with are those that others want me to make in myself.

I was told this morning you don't have to change who you are on the inside, just your behavior in how you respond. Part of me sees what was said, part of me sees it as becoming someone very fake and that is something I despise. To me if you are portraying something to the world other than what you think on the inside you are living a lie. But sadly I am seeing more and more that that is what the world expects and wants. I dont enjoy that concept, I like people who are who they are. I don't like having to guess if what I am being told or seeing is real or not, to me that takes so much more energy than is necessary.

Not even sure this post makes sense at this point, I apologize to those who read for weight loss focus, I just needed this download today to try to find myself again.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Off the wagon and into the cookie jar...

"It is not the mountain we conquer but ourselves" Edmund Hillary (thanks Jackie for the card)

I am not a big fan of being human. I don't like imperfection and I don't like weakness. And I especially despise those things in myself.

So it really irks me to have to say that last night I finally fell victim to the Girl Scout cookies, thin mints to be exact. I knew it was coming, I have been sugar/carbo craving for a week now (since we upped my calories) and I knew last night I was failing in fighting it. But none of that makes me any happier about not being strong enough at times.

This was my first major cheat since I started with Gui in November, I made it through the holidays, I made it through celebrations, but last night it was just not happening.

I am handling it better today than I thought I would (I knew this was going to happen at some point and more feared the next day than the doing it). I am angry and frustrated with myself for doing it, but I am not feeling like it means I am off track, and that surprises me. I guess this is one time when my logical side is a plus in all this.

The reality is I had 6 cookies *blushing*. That is 228 calories. You have to eat 3500 calories to gain a pound of fat. So while that doesn't excuse what I did, in the grand scheme of things I could have done a lot worse things. Also as far as my day goes, it really only put me 135 calories over where I should have been.

Not sure if saying all that is really me ok with this, or rationalization, but either way I am facing with what happened and I am putting it behind me. I can't change it so why stress it.

I would normally have my compensate reaction (extra hour in the pool today to make up those calories) but I am also going to take a leap of faith today and not go that route either. I have my plan of how much I am supposed to exercise this week, and blowing that is going to cause more harm than the cookies (or so the trainer would tell me, I think). Not to mention you can't burn off cookies today that you ate yesterday.

Onward and upward right? No more slips but no looking back... right???

PS Thank you to my facebook friends who tried so hard last night to help me avoid the cookies and who propped me back up this morning!!!! You guys are the best.

Monday, March 22, 2010

To dream the impossible dream...

This has been a topic I have said little on until now, because I have a hard time even believing some of this going on. And the truth is years of dealing with the medical establishment has me very uneasy about trusting my own judgement related to my body. Year of having a disease that very few doctors understand has resulted in years of being questioned about whether the symptoms I  feeling are real or in my head,  and it has left me hypersensitive to trying to be sure something is real before I mention it. But this has moved far enough that I want to share.

So what am I babbling about, the nerve damage in my right side. For those who didn't read the earlier post on this, most of my right side - head to foot - was rendered numb in 1996 due to a surgical error. I also have severe drop foot on the right side (inability to pull up my foot). And I had long ago accepted it was part of my life. I had hoped that working out would help my strength and balance and that as I got thinner it would be easier because I would be carrying less weight, but never that it would make a real structural change in all this.

I was so not hoping for it, that I didn't even get it when something started changing a couple months ago. The first thing I noticed was clothing bothering the right side of my chest (which I couldnt even feel before), next I noticed I was able to better sense where my foot was which I couldn't before and then the next development was that when I spend a lot of time on the treadmill I notice pins and needles in my calf and foot.

There is no logical reason for these changes. Losing weight doesn't cause nerve regeneration, there is no documentation of working out causing nerve generation. It shouldn't be happening, but something is.

When it first started I reached out to my prior Neurologist looking for answers, she was as surprised as I was, but a lot more optimistic. She has connected me with a dr at the Mayo Clinic here in MN and I found out this morning that I have been accepted into the program and will be going through at least a re-evaluation of the damage in late April.

I am excited, nervous, scared, and tenatively hopeful. I am trying really hard to keep my hopes in check on this. I don't want to set myself up for let down, but I have to admit the idea of getting some use back out of my leg is my wildest dream, which I had long ago written off. Now I feel like maybe, just maybe there could be the smallest chance.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Worth every lunge, dead lift and mile on the adventure...

I did it, I found my workout shorts!!! And a couple other things *huge grin*. Just got back from the most amazing shopping trip. I have not had this much fun in a long long time!!! And not sure I ever had that much fun shopping for clothes. But it was kinda scary, if it was this much fun to shop at 271 pounds how dangerous will I be at 200 lbs *smile*.

I ended up calling Nike customer service this morning to help me track down the shorts I was looking for. They found them at the outlet mall in Albertville, so off I went. I not only found my gym shorts (and got a bunch of them in my current size, but also a size smaller for the future since they have been discontinued) but decided to try for a few other things while I was there.

At the end of the trip I had my workout shorts, a bathing suit for the beach in Israel, shorts for Israel, 2 shirts, 2 bras, a pair of jeans and the best part....3 pairs of mega cute sandals (2 with heels).

For my skinny readers that probably wont sound like much, but when you are my previous size, finding ONE item on a shopping trip was a great success, and most trips ended in dismal failure. To be able to find anything I want, in my size, and to have had to try on way smaller than I expected in EVERYTHING I bought, it was just amazing.

And the cool part was there was not one thing I had to leave behind I wanted because it was too small. Actually just the opposite, I had to pass two things up because they didn't have small enough. Now that is a good feeling!!!!! Today made it all worth it!

An update and travel...

First the update on the changes this week, as I already said "he was right and I was wrong" and as much as I hate that, you can't argue with success. I lost 5 lbs between Monday and Saturday this week. Whether that was all from the changes in eating/working out, whether it was fluid, whether it was alien intervention, I really don't care. Things are at least moving forward again and not stuck in neutral or worse yet going backwards.

I have actually made friends with the food issue and no longer feel so overfull with every meal. The working out less (particularly decreasing the swimming) is getting a little easier, but I still feel like I am doing too little and need to work on shaking that mind set. That is a goal for this week. I need to get these things engrained before I am on my own soon.

Which leads to my next thought, travel and maintaining forward progress. I have been very lucky that since the early part of this year I have had great control over my life travel wise, I have been able to do short trips and do a lot of my work from home, that is about to change. I am heading into a really rough 8-12 week period travel wise. I have two personal trips (one of which is overseas to Israel), a conference, and a large number of business trips.

I am trying very hard to convince myself this is a test and a good thing, if I can only maintain this success when I am home, then what good is it, but I have to admit I am nervous and over reacting. My images in my head of coming out of this 50 lbs heavier just won't go away.

The first trip is personal, not worried about this one as far as going backwards. It is 4 days, and the people I am visiting are good friends who know where I am at and who have put more thought into making sure I will be ok than I have. I love you guys (and promise after the visit to post your names *smile* but you know who you are). We have already talked about food, about exercise and I know its going to all be ok. Having not seen them in a long time is another fear, but that will be another post.

The other personal trip I am so excited about I wouldn't miss it for the world. I am going home to my beloved Israel to see very good friends and to celebrate my 40th b'day. I can truly say this is the first birthday in my life I have looked forward to celebrating (I usually hide from b'day's, not the getting older, just the fuss people make). Overall I think this will be a really healthy trip, the food in Israel is so fresh and so amazingly healthy. I worry a little about enough calories (since when I am there I eat mostly chicken and veggies). Exercise will be easy, the hotel has a great facility overlooking the sea and I plan to walk the beach a lot. I do worry about this long a trip. It is the longest I have gone without my trainer since I started with him. But this isn't a trip I would pass up even if it meant gaining 50 lbs.

Then comes business travel, this is the part that is giving me nightmares. If you have never traveled for work it is nothing like pleasure travel where you control your life. This travel is going to throw off my sleep, my food and my exercise drastically. Most of my meetings are 2 days long, which means flying in late the night before, spending 2 days in meetings and taking another late night flight to the next place. In between it is food on the run and meals provided by the client. Some hotels have facilities where I can at least get on a treadmill, but that is not always the case. Food wise, while I can sometimes find a hotel with a small fridge, when you arrive late at night and are only there for a short period grocery shopping isn't always do able or practical.

People around me, who don't travel for work, don't quite get this scene. Heck I never got it before I lived it. They tell me not to think about it, not to worry about it, that it isn't that hard. I wish I knew how to better explain it or to do what they want from me and to be able to turn off my fears. But I truly worry if I will be sitting here in May talking about how far backwards I've gone. And personally I am hoping the fact that it DOES scare me is what keeps that from happening.

There are a lot of people who want me to stop over thinking and worrying about these trips, but as much as I see their side, I think sometimes that if I had to pick over analyzing or not caring (yes Kaye, all or nothing I know *smile*) I would rather be who I am. Because for me a greater risk is falling into complacency and not seeing I am in trouble til I have already done the damage. It is what has gone on with eating. I should have been more freaked I wasn't getting enough calories and I wasn't, til it was a problem.

So for now I am where I am on all this, I am nervous and scared. I am worried of losing control of my environment, I'm worried of not being able to do for myself the things I need to to maintain forward progress, I am worried about the major amounts of April when I won't be working with my trainer!

Friday, March 19, 2010

Who could it be? Believe it or not, it's just me!

"Look at what's happened to me, I can't believe it myself. Suddenly I'm up on top of the world, It should've been somebody else.

Believe it or not, I'm walking on air. I never thought I could feel so free-, flying away on a wing and a prayer. Who could it be?  Believe it or not it's just me."

I Just completed another major purge of my pants closet and as frustrating as the now empty closet is from a budget point of view - I am down to 2 pairs of dress pants and 2 pairs of jeans- it also just amazes me when I look at the huge pile ready to go to charity again. To realize what each of those piece of clothing means I have accomplished.

So I thought today would be a great day for a "milestone report". What have I accomplished, a reminder to myself that as hard as this may all seem at times, it is soooo worth it.

So let's see....

Weight...Highest 338 (May 09)...Started with Gui 311 (Nov 09)...Today 271 = 67 lbs lost total, 40 lbs lost in the last 12 weeks!!!!!!

Medications....Nov 09 - 2 blood pressure medicines, 1 muscle relaxer, 1 stomach medicine plus a ton of Aleve...Today 1 blood pressure medicine and 1 stomach medicine!!!!!

Clothes...Pants...Nov 09 - Plus size store size 12..Today Plus size store size 6 (with a belt needed);
Tops...Nov 09 - 4x...two days ago when we went shopping...some of what I bought was XL, some 1x;
Shoes...Nov 09 - sneakers anywhere I could get away with, dress shoes were completely flat...Today...sneakers are for only working out if I can help it, heels are back and so are cute shoes!!!!

Exercise...Nov 09 -barely able to carry out every day tasks, had to stop every few feet when walking...Today work out 6-7 days a week, duration ranging from 45 minutes to 2+ hours, and totally frustrated when told I can't work out or to work out less!!!!

Sleep... Nov 09 - Up til 1 or 2 am and mornings were killer, if a choice slept til 10am...Now...up and wide awake by 6am and trying to be in bed by 11pm.

It's hard to believe reading this it is all about me, I still have the challenge of getting my brain to internalize it, but even if I can't quite get it is about me on a daily basis, I have to admit reading it blows my mind. TWELVE WEEKS. It's been 12 weeks I have been working with Gui and have made this amount of progress.

I wouldn't have predicted it, I wouldn't have planned on it and I certainly didn't believe it could happen. At times I want to project it forward, if I am here after 12 weeks imagine where I can be in 6 months or a year, but as I learned this week, for now I think I'll just celebrate these victories and let tomorrow take care of its self!

Thank you to Gui for patience beyond sainthood some days, and thank you to all my friends who keep me moving, who get me "un-slumped" (see the previous post) and who believe in me more than I do myself!!!! I love you all dearly.

Oh the places you'll go...

As I was working on today's post I was struggling for a you will see shortly, the post is about accomplishments to date...and as I was thinking about a title, somehow this book popped into my mind...I hadn't read it in probably 30 plus years. But the message hit me so hard as I re-read it today I decided to post it. For as tangled up in our adult lives as we all get, Seuss still fits!!!! Enjoy....

Oh, the Places You'll Go!
by Dr. Seuss

Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.

You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.

You'll look up and down streets. Look 'em over with care.
About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there."
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street.

And you may not find any
you'll want to go down.
In that case, of course,
you'll head straight out of town.

It's opener there
in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as brainy
and footsy as you.

And then things start to happen,
don't worry. Don't stew.
Just go right along.
You'll start happening too.

You'll be on your way up!
You'll be seeing great sights!
You'll join the high fliers
who soar to high heights.

You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.
You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you'll be best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.
Except when you don't.

Because, sometimes, you won't.
I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly, it's true
that Bang-ups
and Hang-ups
can happen to you.

You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You'll be left in a Lurch.

You'll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked.
A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right...
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles cross weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or the waiting around for a Yes or No
or waiting for their hair to grow.

Everyone is just waiting.
Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for the wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.

Everyone is just waiting.
That's not for you!

Somehow you'll escape
all that waiting and staying
You'll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.

With banner flip-flapping,
once more you'll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you're that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored. There are games to be won.
And the magical things you can do with that ball
will make you the winning-est winner of all.

Fame! You'll be as famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.
Except when they don't
Because, sometimes they won't.

I'm afraid that some times
you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win
'cause you'll play against you.
All Alone!

Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you'll be quite a lot.

And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

But on you will go
though the weather be foul.
On you will go
though your enemies prowl.

On you will go
though the Hakken-Kraks howl.
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike,
And I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.

You'll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.

So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.

Just never foget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)

be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
You're off the Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.

So...get on your way!

*** The above text was copyrighted in 1990 .

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Let go laughing.....

"Aint no rhyme or reason
No complicated meaning
Ain't no need to over think it
Let go laughing

Life don't go quite like you planned it
We try so hard to understand it
Irrefutable, indisputable fact is
it happens"   "It Happens" Sugarland

I wont bother getting into the whole debate over whether a person is born a certain way or they develop that way as they grow up. There are entire libraries devoted to "nature vs nuture" and how much one can change once they are who they are. But the reality is I was born and/or developed with a brain that wants logic, and wants to understand the world around me. I want things to make sense and I want it to all fit nicely into a little package. In ways it has served me very well. It makes me good at my job, it keeps my world ordered, it helps me get myself out of difficult to solve problems.

But there are many part of my life where it is truly a hinderence. I get very frustrated when things don't make sense, I overthink, I analyze and I ruminate. Multiple times this week I have had people tell me "just don't think about it". It sounds so easy when you aren't wired the way I am. But for me, as much as I know they are right (and I do know they are right), I just have never found that off switch to my brain.

The over processing part of me is becoming more and more of a liability in this whole lifestyle change process. I am seeing more and more every day how this is more trial and error and varies by person, situation, hour of the day, than it is a calculus problem with a structured answer. And somehow I need to find a way to just roll with that, otherwise I am going to make myself and Gui absolutely nuts on a weekly (daily) basis over this and more importantly going to sabatoge all the progress I have made and hope to make.

I found myself sitting here last night "carbo crap craving again" and also trying to figure out how I could work out at a crazy hour this morning so that I could get a swim in before the 24 hour work out cut off for my metabolic test tomorrow morning. And I did all that mental gymnastics despite the fact that even if we weren't doing the test, today is supposed to be my "off day" from exercise. So the plan also had to include how I was going to hide that I did it or explain it away. Which is INSANE.

I didn't end up working out (mostly based on the fact that I promised Gui I would keep to the 6 days and as much as I value logic I value keeping my promises more) and didn't do the carbo run I so wanted to (that seems to be getting harder not easier). But it shouldn't have taken that much work and processing. I need to figure out the off switch on my brain fast!!!

Now time for some humility.....when I am wrong I admit it. When I am smug I admit it, so time for some public admittance. I went into this whole "plan" this week to prove Gui wrong. I have found if I disagree that it is easier to take that approach than trying to win the battle up front. Do what he suggests and hope that I get proven right. Which I know is absolutely stupid also, I am asking someone to help me - whose help I desperately need - and then trying to be right.  BTW I should point out this approach has NEVER succeeded in the 4 months we have been working together, I haven't been right once. Did I mention I also don't accept failure easy either and keep trying the same bad approach too until I get it right *Grin*

But again, it comes back to wanting this all to make sense, and it DOESN'T. Nothing in this plan makes sense to me yet. Eat more, workout less, lose weight. It's illogical enough to make Spock nuts! But despite the illogical nature of it, HE WAS RIGHT AND I WAS WRONG (as usual every time I take this approach). I dropped weight between Monday and yesterday. *bowing to the master* You were right!!!!!! *smile* Sorry I make this so hard on both of us!!! It's not on purpose or by choice!

My goal for the rest of the week on the eating and exercise is acceptance. No more whining about having to eat it, no more trying to game the system, no more mental gymnastics. Like the song says, time to let go laughing....