Friday, July 30, 2010

Take me out the ballpark...HUGE honor and celebration on Aug 13th.......

IMPORTANT FOR ANYONE WANTING TO ATTEND.....the twins website seems to have problems for buying tickets for this game, but stub hub has plenty of tickets available!!!!!! It is not sold out as the twins site says!

The roller coaster of a week continues....fate sure has a sense of humor. Went from the stress of changing trainers to being selected for an amazing recognition of all my hard work the last eight months in about 18 hours. I have been trying to make sense of it all and find the good in it and tonight I had a good talk with someone who helped me do that (thanks you know who you are), so ready to share some good news for once.

Ok back story (why do I always feel like I am playing catch up *smile*). Three or four weeks ago I was approached by Lance, my member advisor at the club, asking if I would be ok if they nominated me for something. I have to admit I paid way too little attention. But I said sure, I really value the club, lifetime, Gui and anything I could do to show people how much they have helped me I am in for. I also was going on the assumption that I never get selected for anything, so no biggie right...yeah.

In between I had learned some details, enough to be slightly nervous, but was still betting on the "I never get selected for anything" outcome. Bad bet to take *grin*.

Yesterday I was informed that I was selected to be the Life Time Featured Member at the Twins game on August 13th here in Minneapolis. That before the game starts I will be going out on to the field while the video and pictures of me are shown on the big screen and my story is read.

I have had varying thoughts about this since...ranging from why now to omg to being as proud as a person can be. And that last one is where I am stopping and trying to keep it.

But I have to admit the pride isn't in having been selected, or even what I have accomplished in the last 8 monthsy (ok actually some of it is that part). It didn't matter to me if I was selected, because in the last few weeks since the nomination conversation I have realized what an amazing group of people I have around me at the Eagan LTF and the fact that while I was missing it all this time, they have been watching me and cheering for me and filled with so much pride for me for the past months. I have gotten to know staff there I never would have, and that to me has been an amazing realization for me. I have always known the personal training staff was behind me, but never saw it went beyond that. I have had everyone from the front desk staff to the General Manager behind me all this time, and had no clue. I always knew I felt safe at Eagan, that I felt awkward at other clubs, but this finally made me realize that the Eagan club truly is home! And that is winning a whole lot more than anything that could go on on the field with the Twins. And the timing of that lesson is proving crucial to getting me through a pretty rough time right now.

The reality is when I was notified I got very stuck in things in the future that I am unsure about. But as I was reminded tonight, this is a celebration. A celebration of all that has been accomplished since November. Accomplishments that I am so proud of. I have conquered mountains I never thought I could. And I am proud beyond belief to stand up and scream that to the world (or at least the 40,000 people at the game). To have what I have done, and what others have helped me do be given the recognition it is due means so much to me.

While I can't offer to bring you all with me, I can say I would LOVE to have anyone who can get there at the game. Even if we aren't seated together just knowing people who care about me and are behind me there (among the thousands *gulp* of others who will be hearing my story for the first time) would mean the world to me. It is a 7:10 pm game here in Minneapolis.

For anyone going, please let me know you will be there. I am trying to pull together something post game somewhere for a more private celebration and want to make sure I get everyone the details.

Thank you to everyone at Eagan LTF who recognized how hard I have worked and nominated me...I can't express what it means to me. Can't wait to see you all at the game!!!!

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Life is what happens when you've made other plans...

Writing this at 3am Thursday July 29, 2010, not exactly sure when/if it will get posted...

I am always amazed by the clouds and the weather when I fly on stormy days. The grosser the rain and grey on the ground the more absolutely beautiful the tops of the clouds are when the plane finally rises above them. It always strikes me as this great contrast between misery and beauty needing each other to exist...and how different things can appear depending on your perspective.

Right now I am looking at a terribly ugly stormy view in my life, but am trying desperately to punch through the clouds and find the beauty that has to be there if you look hard enough.

For a week now I have been trying to write a blog post about a major change going on in my life. I keep writing it and deleting it. Some versions have been too sappy and sentimental, others have been too personal, others just too fake and happy. I know now the reason I couldn't write the story was because it hadn't fully played out yet, now it has.

I need to back up and do some history here, as I have only marginally included this in the blog previously. In May my trainer informed me he was looking at taking a position in Colorado, I was rocked to my knees. I couldn't imagine going this alone. In my true style I started pulling away trying to prep myself for the inevitable loss. I was ready for the pain. In June I got what I knew was only a "stay of execution" and he had decided not to take the job. I was relieved but still held back. Gui called me on it, he pushed me to let him back in and I spent a lot of hard work doing that. It would be easy now that it has all played out to say I regret that, but I am trying very hard not to regret anything in the last 8 months. Which is not easy at this moment.

This past Thursday (a week ago now) a suspicion I had had for a couple weeks was confirmed, Gui had decided to take the position in Colorado and would be leaving in November. For as much as I thought I was ready for this, that I had separated myself enough I realized very fast that I had let my heart back in and went through a myriad of emotions over the loss. The core of which was/is fear, but I'll come back to that in a minute.

Yesterday I found out Gui had decided that I should transition to another trainer now not in 3 months and that it is going to happen cold turkey immediately. Something I totally didn't expect and quite frankly something I am struggling with (cold turkey is never a good plan for me, it doesn't allow me to process a situation as it is happening and tends to lead to me making rash decisions).

I have sat up all night trying to figure out how to share this in the blog. Do I sugar coat over it and pretend I am great with it, do I dive into all the emotions I am feeling, do I not mention it at all. None of them sound exactly right, but I promised when I started this blog to be open and honest, and since I know I am far from the only one who has had to do a rapid transition to a new trainer I am going to do my best to be honest about how I feel as this chapter of my life closes.

In the 12 hours since this has happened I have run the gambit of emotions..sadness, anger (at myself), frustration, trying to figure out how to undo it, regret, bargaining but the one thing I have learned about myself this past week is that most every emotion I feel and every reaction to that emotion is just a cover for fear...and right now I am very scared. More scared than I have ever been, and I have been for a week.

I find my fear coming down to two big areas...fear over the physical and fear over the emotional/mental. But it both cases it is fear of returning to who I was 8 months ago.

Fear over the physical...I have spent a week now fighting images of returning to that 300 lb person locked in her body and waiting to die (from obesity). I know I shouldn't think that way, but it is where my brain goes any time I look at the situation. I did all the work the last 8 months I know that, but I also know that particularly with my eating, there were many times I fell apart and my trainer was there to kick me back in line. I fear not having that. And while the intent is that I will work with someone else, I fear not having that same force behind me that Gui was. I know I need to be that force for myself, but too often I lose sight of that still and worry about not seeing it in time.

I also fear that even if I can keep the weight I lost at bay that this is as far as I will get. That I will never reach the goals I have for myself physical. That I will be paralyzed at this spot for the rest of my life. While here is still a much better place than I was 100 lbs ago, it is not where I want to live. But I don't know now if I can get the rest of the way. I have watched too many friends who lost their trainers stop or go backwards, I am not sure I am any better than that.

Fear over the emotional/mental....for me this is the biggest risk of all, and a much harder one than the physical. I am not who I was 8 months ago, this week has confirmed that over and over. When I started this journey my head lead everything. I had walled my heart off from the world and people were a somewhat expendable commodity. They came they went and that was fine, I survived it. Eight months ago what went on this week would have been a business transaction and no biggie. But I have changed. I am now a much more emotional person. My heart gets much more entwined in things and situations. And because it is new to me, I don't always get it right, but I still think it is a better way to live than to be shut off and shut down.

Ironically it was this change in emotions that in some ways lead to the decision to end my time with Gui now. To the view that it would be better for to go through the transition now than to deal with 3 months of feelings over it. I can't say I agree, but who knows what I will feel looking back. It would be really easy right now to say I wish I had never said I was upset over the loss, or to say I wish I hadn't been upset over the loss. But to say either wouldn't be true to who I have become. I am glad I am feeling pain over Gui leaving, I think it is normal and a great compliment to him. We are supposed to miss people when they leave! People are more than coggs in the world and for the first time in over a decade I feel that, I cant let myself regret it.

So where does the fear fit here, the fear comes from worrying that because my emotions caused me issues that I will slowly return to that cold, analytical person I was in November. That those emotions that I found through connecting with Gui and that he reminded me over and over again were as important as the working out, will now go back to where they came from. That I will go back to who I was before. And to me that would be a much greater loss than gaining back the 100 lbs.

And it scares me because I have even seen that retreat in myself in the last week. I know this is an easy slide for me. It is my protection from the grey skies and rain.

This is another one of those posts that I feel like I need some great ending on, but I don't yet have it.  I'm scared, I'm really scared, I feel pretty alone in that fear and don't know what to do with it (something else that worries me since I know there are people around me who care but I am having a hard time feeling that right now).

I promise to blog more when I figure out what to say next.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Forward...Regardless...Relentless...that is easier said than done.....but today I did it.....

This has been the most insane
rollercoaster of a week. I have gone from the incredible highs of my friends visiting and the ACS relay, to depths I can't even explain over learning Gui will be taking a job in Colorado and leaving. I need to catch up the blog on all of that, but tonight I just need to celebrate, so please forgive me if this post is a little out of sync with some catching up in the next couple days. Tonight its all about ME and crossing a bridge I never thought I would get to...

I still remember the last pair of jeans I bought in a "regular" store. I was 13, the store was Jamesway in Hudson NY and it was a pair of Gloria Vanderbilt jeans. I had to buy them in the women's section and it was the biggest size they had. My best friend in school Lynn was with me. That was 1983!!!! It is such a dumb thing to remember, but I do. Because until today it was the last time I was truly normal when it comes to shopping.

Today I went back 27 years. I regained 27 years. I conquered all the pain and misery and feelings of inadequacy that I carried for those 27 years. Today for the first time in my adult life I put on a pair of jeans bought in a normal size, in a normal store.

It was something I never thought I would see happen again in my life, and quite frankly I still can't believe it is real. I made a friend take pictures today merely to make it concrete for me.
I needed proof for me, so that if I woke up tomorrow and it was all a dream I had something to look back at. I have a harder and harder time lately believing that all that has gone on in the last 8 months has been real. And I find myself fearing more and more that it will all disappear as fast as it has happened. I have a hard time grasping that I am within a couple pounds of my 100 lbs lost mark. And that it essentially has happened in 9 months. It seems surreal to me.

I also find it harder and harder to remember what life was like at 338 pounds. I wish I had taken more pictures, I wish I had video of me trying to function, I wish I had journaled how hard it was because I feel like I am losing that touch with where I came from. And I don't want to do that. I don't want to ever take for granted all the work it has taken to get here. To ever forget where I could easily go back to. I need to be reminded that that place still exists and the wrong dumb choices could send me back there. And I especially feel I need that reminder right now as I try to make decisions for my future that will dictate if I go back there or if I keep moving forward, regardless of changes going on.

I have a lot to decide and I don't want to face that, but for today I don't have to. Today is about celebrating normalcy and regaining a world I was never really part of...and looking good doing it!

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Caught between doing what is right and what feels right....

Sorry I haven't blogged in a while, its been kinda crazy schedule wise. First a quick catch up...

I spent last week in Alaska, it was AMAZING! While the purpose was a business trip I was able to talk a friend into tagging along and that made it a lot more fun. We actually stayed through the weekend and got to do some great sightseeing. Throughout the trip we got to do a decent amount of bonding with nature, including hiking on a mountain, freezing our butts off in the pouring rain and wind to see glaciers and icebergs (which btw make a pretty good margarita) and even found a moose on the side of the road at 11:30pm. Food wise it was a good trip, we made the committment at the beginning that none of our meals would be fast food or chain...and we succeeded. We ate LOTS of fresh snow crab, some halibut and even tried a reindeer hot dog.

It was one of the most fun vacations I have taken in a long time. But I have to admit by the end I was ready to be back to my creature comforts...I have become a lot more "Sex in the City" these days than I am "Northern Exposure". But I am proud of myself for having tried a lot of things I would never have even thought of 6 months ago....hiking on a mountain, climbing a fence to have my picture taken, crawling into a stream and over the rocks, hiking up an abandoned gold mine (and using the toliet there *grin*), and standing on the top open deck of a catamaran in the rain and wind. It reminds me yet again how far I have come with my leg.

This upcoming weekend is the ACS Relay for Life. I am so excited not only to do the event, but because three of the four people on the planet who I know love me without a doubt and 100% just as I am, and have for a very long time are flying in for the weekend (sorry you cant be here April btw..and you are the 4th btw). This means more to me than I can put into words. I will never forget when Donna told me she was coming, I asked her "really?" was a feeling of disbelief that these people would take time and spend money to come do this with me. And how am I repaying them...Gui will be kicking their butts on Saturday *smile*.

It is going to be a great weekend, beyond the Relay we are having a party Saturday night with a lot of my local dear friends, we are working out, we are heading to the Mall of America and probably getting very little sleep. Considering it is the first time two of three have been to my home since we were in High School I am very excited.

Life is good, which makes where I am at today even more frustrating for me. I am at a really low place with my body and food. How I got here is a long story (another post another time) but in short a week ago we stopped my nearly no carb way of eating again, and are trying to go back to better balance. I KNOW this is the right thing biologically, I know the body can no survive on protein only. I logically know all this. But logic is where me being ok with it ends.

I am struggling over the impact on my body. My body does not react well to carbs. I have a tendency to retain fluid badly when I eat them. And during the few weeks I had all but eliminated them I was down a lot of weight, I felt great and I had a lot of energy. Now, I feel bloated, fat, weight is up (although havent been on the scale I know that even if y weight is the same or down, it is not so around my abdomen...nothing fits right and all my clothes look like crap. I look pregnant! WHICH I AM NOT btw).

I had done ok dealing wtih this, although I wasnt happy about it, until last night, when I looked at my pictures from Alaska. As I placed one from a business meeting against one from a few weeks ago, I was mortified. The one from two days ago looks more like a before than the one a couple weeks ago.

I am moving backwards. And I hate it. I think it is made even harder by the fact that I was getting SO close to my 100 lb lost mark, which I had really wanted to make by this weekend (and probably would have had we not made the switch).

I feel stuck between my brain and my emotions. I KNOW the more balanced meal is the right answer. I KNOW the cutting carbs out is dieting not a lifestyle change. I KNOW it is unhealthy and I KNOW there is more to this than the number on the scale. But it is so hard to not fall back to where I want to be, the numbers on the scale dropping faster, the clothes looking good, feeling better and having more energy.

The net result since last night. I am fighting again to eat. After a great week of eating and balance I am back months and months to barely being able to swallow food (breakfast didnt stay down even this morning). I also feel repulsed by my body in a way I haven't in probably a decade (worse than anything I have felt since I started training 8 months ago). I got dressed this afternoon for an event I have to go to tonight and even found myself digging back into the last batch of big oversized clothes that haven't made it to the charity group yet just for clothes to hide in tonight (I didnt let myself do it in the end, I am forcing myself to wear a skirt and something that is more correct sized, but I have to admit I feel like I look like crap in it, even though it was an outfit I loved a week ago).

It's frustrating because I know I have to just sludge through this and get myself to the other side, that no one can do anything about it, and I need to just get past it, but it isnt making today any easier.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Questioning what I think I see...

This is going to be another one of those posts that probably doesn't make a lot of sense. I am struggling to articulate something I am feeling and decided just to start writing and see where it goes.

There are a lot of days on this journey where I flip between feeling like a fraud to the world (when will someone nab me for buying a size 14 dress, that cant be right) and worrying I am kidding myself (am I buying things that are too disgustingly tight just to get to that size). Does what I see in the mirror really look the same to the rest of the world?

Anyone who has read more than I couple of my posts knows without a doubt I deal with a lot of body image issues, and today it seems worse than it has been lately, my guess is this is linked to trying to avoid the scale, without that number to reinforce me I am using the mirror. But the problem is I dont trust what I see. I don't trust my own perception of myself.

I find myself more and more lately watching commercials for weight loss and such and trying to compare myself to others who are around my weight to decide if I look acceptable yet, based on how people around my weight look to me. Looking at friends who weight more or less and doing the same. The problem is that 10 people who all weigh the same can look so completely different. I find myself at the gym trying to figure who I look the most like body wise and wondering if I asked others to do the same who they would say I look like.

Its funny though, because I have gone from worrying I would pick someone too heavy as who I compare with, to worrying I am picking someone who weighs far less than I do as my comparison. It worries me because I didn't really see how disgustingly fat I was getting when I was headed for 300 lbs and beyond, that I am now thinking I look better than I do. I am well aware that 245 is still considered morbidly obese, I dont delude myself on that, but when I look in the mirror and actually think something looks good I am worried I am just in denial again. That it is easy to think "wow I have lost 100 lbs I must look great"  and forget that when you are start at 338 lbs, even losing 100 lbs you are still left at at place that is far from healthy or good looking.

I wonder some days if I will ever trust what I see in the mirror or the comments others make about my appearance, of if this one of the side effects of "brain fat" you live with forever.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

You can never be too rich or too thin...or can you?

Well made it through day one of no scale....walked past it twice in the locker room, worked out upstairs and so far so good. Definitely wasn't easy, but I did it.

Was talking to Mary Kay this morning and our topic was fear of being thin. Gui has told me for months I was afraid of being thin, and that always sounded so dumb to me. How can anyone be afraid of something they have dreamed about their whole life? But in the last couple weeks I have come to realize, he's right (yet again). I talked about this a little a few blog posts ago, but since I still seem to be stuck here, I hope you'll humor me for being back on this topic.

There seems to be two sides to this problem for me, the loss of being able to hide behind my weight and the not knowing how to deal with who I am becoming.

I never realized until recently how much of a protection my being obese gave me. It was a super filter for keeping people at a distance and protecting myself from having to let others in. Only those few who could see past my physical appearance even tried to get know me better. It was a perfect way to keep the world away and protect my heart. The fat kept people from getting close enough to see my heart or my emotions in so many cases. I now feel very emotionally naked and unprotected.

It was also a great way to shield myself from hurt and disappointment. I could easily say I didn't have a date on Friday night, or a husband or a family because I was fat and ugly. I didn't have to dive deeper into why I was really alone. And I didnt have to chance reaching out to others and have to face possible rejection, because I knew without a doubt they would never give me a second look anyway.

It also kept me from having to try things that scared me, like my current thoughts on rock wall climbing. I was too fat or my right leg wouldn't do things, so I could easily stay in my comfort zone. No I find those excuses fading away and it frightens me. The same with clothes, there were so few choices I could hide in ugly, frumpy things and not have to try anything new or scary. Now I have no idea what my style is as the options are exploding in front of me.

As MK put it this morning, but now I have to face the reality of "what if after all this is done and over I am still not good enough". As I lose the weight and that protection it is getting harder and harder to hide who I am inside, from the world and also from myself. I am losing my excuse for hiding from the world and more importantly my protection from rejection and it terrifies me.

This all leads to the second part, not knowing how to be this new person. I have spent my entire life fat. I know how to be "Fat Pam". I know what that means, I know the way it works. Being someone other than that is really confusing for me. I struggle every time someone compliments me, I dont know the right thing to say and feel like my answers are so lame. I don't know how to react when someone gives me a second look who would have looked past me before, it is totally foreign to me. I feel embarrassed, like a fraud and often suspiscious.

I have to admit I am very uncomfortable about the notion of ever being thin enough that people notice my body before they do my personality or my brain. As much as I have always looked at (and still do) all the "beautiful people" and wished I looked like them, the closer I get to that reality, the more I am frightened by it. I have spent 40 years in a world where my brain was all I had to offer the world. It was who I was, it was what people wanted from me and it was why people who chose to be in my life were there. I don't know how to be any other way. And as much as I want this weight loss, I have to admit I am not 100% sure I want it any other way than that.

Every time I think about all this, I find myself stuck on trying to understand how good looking people figure out the validity of the people in their lives. How do you know when people are being sincere about wanting you in their life when you don't have the "fat filter" which keeps all the shallow people away?

Even now when someone compliments me on how I look, I have to admit I find myself questioning it. Wondering if they feel they have to say it and then are laughing at me behind my back the minute they walk away. There are times I wonder if I am just a big joke to the world right now because I feel I have accomplished so much in the last 8 months but really haven't. I wonder it with my friends, I even wonder it with my trainer. I have never been so insecure in my life about "what are people saying behind my back" because before I knew how people saw me.....fat, obese, disgusting...whatever words you want to put there for my physical appearance, now I just don't know and that uncertainty is really hard for me.

For as proud as I am of the 93 lbs I have lost, I will admit that there are more and more times lately I consider retreating back to where I was...which I am realizing is part of all the fighting with Gui lately, me trying to find a reason to retreat back there. To where I knew who I was, how to be, what the world expected from me. I have that user manual, I know the rules, I know the game plan. I dont know how to be thin, I dont know how to be fit, I don't know how to live this new life and feel like I got thrown into this foreign land long before I knew the language.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

One week, I can do anything for one week, can't I..........

I just made a promise, and I don't do that lightly. If I commit to something I see it through, which is why it took me so long to say yes to this. But I have just promised my trainer I will stay away from all scales for one week, and more importantly, still eat what I am supposed to even though I am not able to make sure I am "in check" according to the number on the scale. This is TERRIFYING. 

Going without the scale I could do easily, but when I do I know myself. I immediately start cutting back on eating. Logically I know the two should not be linked, but in my screwed up brain they are. The scale tells me if I am ok to eat what I am supposed to that day. Which is the great irony since by not eating I tend to gain, but when I am where I am right now, that doesn't always sink in.

I'm scared of this week. I am scared of managing this and not over obsessing and not eating. I'm scared of this being an emotional roller coaster. But fear has never stopped me before, so here we go....wish me luck!

You've got to eat.....

I seem to be back locked in another battle with food again the last couple weeks, struggling to eat enough. It started as a reaction to stress going on in my life, to which I tend to stop eating, but now I am back in a bad loop of being so driven by every pound I lose to want to lose another (I had been able to able for a while to see past the number on the scale but I am definitely back there). I found myself last night actually saying to someone "I am up two pounds today so I am not eating tonight". Which is stupidity I haven't gone through in a while.

But that wasn't what spurred this post. It was a facebook comment I saw today that said "I have lost 35 pounds, I only eat breakfast and lunch and no dinner". It definitely hit the logically side of me which KNOWS that is wrong. Instead of messaging the person directly I decided to blog about it.

The reality is if you are not eating enough you are burning up muscle and water not fat. This past week I lost 6 lbs in 8 days. While it made the number on the scale look AWESOME (down to 245 officially) the trainers first reaction was to (sarcastically) congratulate me on burning up at least 3 lbs of muscle...and he's right. I shouldn't be proud of that amount of loss, it is not healthy.  1-2 lbs a week is the maximum one should lose for long term health and keeping the weight off.

Skipping meals, not eating are not a weight loss plan. Our bodies need fuel, evenly throughout the day. Just as our cars cant only have fuel 2/3 of the time and still work, neither can our bodies. It is about making smart choices throughout the day, not meal skipping and yo -yo dieting.

It is also important to know what your body needs, every one of us is different. My body is incredibly reactive to carbs, so I tend to do high protein/high fat, for someone else that plan would be a disaster. I tend to gain weight if I eat too little, definitely not the norm. Working with a professional such as a nutritionist is well worth the money (and is often covered by insurance if you have a referral) and if you are lucky enough to live where you can get metabolic testing done, like CaloriePoint which tells you the calories your body needs to survive, I strongly encourage it.

It is also incredibly important if you are "dieting" or making a life style change to make sure you are getting the proper suppliments also. I was never a believer in these before joining LTF and losing all this weight, but have since come to realize our food supply comes no where near giving us the nutrition our bodies need, and especially when we are skimping on food. If you have any doubt on the need to suppliment, just watch the documentary "Food Inc".

Finally, the reality of not eating to lose weight is in the end it will backfire. It is a great short term answer, but the end goal of doing it is that you slow down your metabolism, sometimes irreversibly. And that means later when you start eating "normal" you will gain more weight than that food would have caused you before.

Gui is probably sitting somewhere reading this and smiling. The sad part is I do know this stuff, I have been well educated in the last 7 months, I know I need to do better on the food. Hopefully some of the additional help I am going to be getting in the next month or so will help me deal with my fears of eating!

Friday, July 2, 2010

So, how did that work out for you?

Experience is the hardest teacher-you get the test first and the lessons later.

The last two weeks have been one of the most humbling periods of my life. In some ways my strongest core beliefs have been changed, and I am still trying to figure out what it all means and how to integrate the lessons I was forced to learn into who I am, as my head and heart are still doing tug of war over this.

Multiple times I have shared in this blog my central belief that having anyone in your life because you NEED them there is not only dangerous but wrong. I have spent 40 years trying to prove to myself and the world that I can handle anything on my own, that I am tougher than life and others are optional. Heck one of the first phrases I learned to say as a child was "I do it self" and that phrase seems to have charted my life to this point.

Heck even when fighting PTC I was out there leading the charge on my care and doing the medical research to find my answer. On some level maybe it is a control thing, but more than anything it is a protective thing centered around two beliefs....

            1. No one will look out for me as hard as I will, that everyone has alterior motives
               and  only I can know what is best for me, and
            2. Letting anyone else be needed is too great a risk in case they go away.

It blows my mind after living through sexual abuse, an abusive home, having a full time job and supporting myself since age 13, putting myself through college, fighting through 8 years of a rare chronic illness, running my own business and moving alone 1/2 way across the country on my own, that losing weight would be the thing that challenges those beliefs. That this would be the mountain I learn I can't conquer alone floors me.

Ok now comes the egg on my face part....which sometimes is the only way to teach me something it seems.

I have said numerous times how grateful I am to have Gui, that this was definitely one of those people in the "right place at the right time" in my life. I have also made no secret that as good as he can be for me, that our styles often lead to this being a VERY difficult relationship for me, and I know I am no picnic for him either. And quite honestly I have considered running from the situation many many times, and lately with a great frequency. 

But I am learning lately that maybe that drama is less about him and I am
and more about battles like my need to have all the answers and handle it all. That the closer I have gotten to not being able to handle this on my own the more I have found reasons to push him away (and it seems from our talk yesterday I am pretty successful at pushing others hard enough they are ready to bail on me also when I get like this). 

A little over two weeks ago Gui sat me down and tried very hard to tell me I had pulled back from talking to him, that I was in over my head trying to handle this all alone and that I was in trouble emotionally with all this and that he wanted to help but I needed to let him back in . That was INCREDIBLY frightening for me. That was someone getting way too close for me. Not to mention it brought up every feeling of insecurity and not being worthy of his help I had in me. My reaction...I panicked!

For reasons I dont want to get into here, it is worth saying there had been a possibility for about 6 weeks before this that I would need to find a new trainer and that hit me really hard. I had started preparing myself for going it alone without TB and that definitely played a role in me pulling back into my self reliant mold. Anyway, so when the conversation about letting him back in happened only days after finding out he was staying, I still wasn't over my beliefs that I HAD to do this myself and I panicked at his offer to help. Instead of being grateful and allowing the help I knew I needed, I shot him down in no uncertain terms. Told him it wasnt his job to do any more than my workouts, that the rest of my life was my problem and I would deal with it. Nice huh? Not my finest moment, although classic Pam for anyone who has known me a while.

Here I was a total mess, having someone offer the lifeline I desperately needed and what did I do, launch a flaming war head at the rescue boat. Go Pam *rolling eyes*. And unfortunately for me (or maybe fortunately as I am slowly seeing) TB decided to allow me the rope to strangle myself and I did it pretty quickly. He kept to exactly what I had said, and it became my problem except for what was going on in the gym.

The short outcome, I failed MISERABLY. Within days I realized I can't do this alone and 2 weeks into it I basically had decided I either needed to let people help, specifically my trainer, or I cant continue this journey. It is not a lesson I was ready for but one I am trying to internalize.

This sounds so dumb to say, but I don't know how to let people help. As much as I don't want to have to have all the answers and be in charge,  I don't know how to not over think and search for the answer myself. I don't know to trust and believe that I wont get screwed over in the end for trusting someone else to have my best interest at heart, even when they have shown me over and over how committed they are to making me the best person I can be, in numerous ways.

I can hear TB now saying you don't do anything and you just let it happen, but I am not even sure to be just "be" without feeling I have to do or control. This is such new territory for me, and it is definitely some of the scariest part of this journey yet.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

American Cancer Society Relay for LIfe....Please donate and help me honor three amazing women!

I need your help....I'll do the walking if you do the giving. Using this blog for fundraising is NOT something I was ever going to do, but I have decided this is an important enough cause to bend that rule.

On Friday July 16th, I am some dear friends (from near and far) will participate in the ACS Relay for Life. For me doing this event is a personal accomplishment, being able to even consider a 12 hour relay 6 months ago would have seemed insane at best. Now, 93 lbs lighter and a whole lot fitter, I am ready to walk for those who can't anymore.

As I mentioned in an earlier blog post
I am walking to honor three very amazing women who lost their battles with cancer.

Linda Karp, Tish Cort and Ginny Flansburg.

They are only three of the people of from my life who were taken too soon.

Please donate to this worthwhile cause at this link Team Focus, Eagan, MN Relay Donations

and if you have someone you have lost consider purchasing a luminaria to be lit during the rememberance lap! Luminaria

And remember, there is still time to join "Team Focus" and walk with us!!!